Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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