State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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