There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize