Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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