I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
