sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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