when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
