Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
