I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
