I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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