Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
