So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
