How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
