ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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