apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
