how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
