my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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