Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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