I haven't been this sober since birth.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
