Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
