Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
