I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
