I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
