where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
