She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
