K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
