My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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