What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
