I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
