I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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