The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
