I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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