good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
