the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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