I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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