i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
