Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
