is your mom at the bar?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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