My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I could make wine with my vomit
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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