I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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