sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
