where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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