No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
