i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
