Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
