after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
