I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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