Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
