ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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