I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
