Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
