I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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