Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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