I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
