my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
