Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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