Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
