I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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