you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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