he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
