I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
