bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
