the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Randomize
